sleep

Why is it that I can get so little sleep yet be completely unable to fall asleep when I need to?  Ilya has decided that the best place to sleep is right next to mommy.  Now, this would be fine except that she squirms like a caterpillar trying to emerge from a cocoon – which means that she sleeps just fine and I don’t sleep at all.

I’ve been tutoring everyday.  Its nice.  The mother takes Ilya on a walk while I work with her daughter.  Its so wonderful to get to use my brain for something other than mommying and I know that Ilya loves the walking.  Ilya is now an expert at following objects with her eyes.  My dad was holding her up today while she focused on this star light that she loves.  He was rotating her body, but she kept her head fixated.  He said that this is a sign of excellent control and that she is advanced (although, I think that he might be biased just like me).  Ilya is also an expert at holding her head up.

We go walking everyday.  It’s her favorite activity aside from pooping and nursing.  When we get outside she pushes her head back, closes her eyes and holds her face to the sun.  Its the most beautiful and serene thing that I have ever seen.  I love her in places inside myself that I didn’t even know existed.  I know that it is silly, but I worry obsessively about SIDS.  I constantly find myself placing my hand on her stomach just to make sure that she is breathing.  I have never felt so venerable and helpless in my entire life.  I keep thinking, please, please, please, just let her live longer than me.  I don’t think I could take it if anything happened to her.